I Hope You Can Understand.

I will not allow you to get to me.
I'm stronger than that.
You want a rise, but you won't get what you want.
You don't deserve it.
What you do deserve is whatever you deserve.
It's not for me to determine.
That's for you to decide.
But, don't be mad at me,
When I can't or won't give it to you.
It's not my place.
I had a place in your life that meant much more than the place I currently reside.
You destroyed that place.
You think you know everything.
You think you know how I think.
Jack shit.
You don't know shit.
I don't know shit.
The things I've hidden.
The simple details that could completely alter your perspective.
They're mine.
You'll never find them.
They aren't written down.
They aren't written in code.
They are no where, but in my mind.
And you don't have access.
I'm sorry you feel hurt, or mad, or sad...
Or whatever the hell you feel.
But you must realize that your feelings are your own.
You are the only one to control them.
I am here.
I will always be here.
And when you look back on your life,
You'll see that I was right.
You'll see that I actually care.
I can't continue to enable...
I've done it my entire life.
24 years of enabling.
It's time I end this vicious cycle.
I only end up hurt.
At the expense of another's habit.
Because I want to "help".
It's time to try something new.
I'm sorry it had to be you two.
I'm sorry this has to happen.
I truly want the best for you.
I wish that you knew that.
I wish that you cared to know that.
I wish you could understand.
But, in my eyes, you're clouded by habit.
You're clouded by the overwhelming ecstasy of yourself...
Of your blood
Of your needle
Of your d.o.c.
I don't claim to know either of you inside or out.
All I know is what you have shown to me.
That both of you are beautiful.
That both of you are kind.
That both of you are good.
That both of you are hurt...
Hurt so bad, by yourselves mostly.
Blaming it on whoever you choose that day.
I wish I could take the pain away.
But, I don't think you will allow me to.
I've tried.
I'm trying.
I hope that someday,
Your feelings will change.
I hope that someday you will know,
How genuine I am in these words.
I wish I could help.
But, to you, me helping
Is enabling...
I can't do that anymore.
If there is anything I know in my life...
It's that I can't continue to be that.
Continue to do that.
I'm sorry.
I'm hurt too.
You're my friends.
You're great people.
And here I sit...
Watching two more endless holes of potential,
So close to the event horizon of a dark oblivion.
If I get much closer,
I could reach the point of no return as well...
I hope neither of you ever get there.
I hope you will allow your potential to overcome you.
I hope you will want what is best for you.
I hope you care enough about yourself...
To get away from the person you have created yourself to be.