Blind Spot

You must have an idea of what this is like.
You ought to know the
Pain
Disdain
Humiliation
and
Anguish
I feel on a daily basis.
Every thought torments my mind.
I'm anxious.
I tremble, pen in hand.
My heart races and slows at an unpredictable rate.
My body is uncomfortable.
My stomach is a gymnast
Twisting
Turning
Flipping
Stretching
It's limits beyond limits exceeded yesterday.
The corners of my mouth fall at the grip of gravity.
My eyes saddened by my lack of control.
My heart heavy from my own ignorance.
Everyone has something to offer, but me.
I'm patiently impatient.
I imagine how it would be to love and choose freely again.
I imagine a life that is not my own, but carries my image.
I long to trust in myself.

I find a release in anything, everything.
I forget it all...
Solving nothing.
I want to put this problem to rest, peace.
I want to be someone I'm not.
I convince myself each day that I'm happy with who I am.
It's a trick.
It's a lie.
It's the truth.

What I want lies happily with all of my forgotten memories and education.
I have absorbed twenty four years worth of knowledge and all that remains are particles of memories.
I'm dry.
I'm cracking.

What is gumption?
Where is drive?
For what?
For who?
When can I know?
My ignorance is disgraceful.

I'm sickened by who I am.
I'm disturbed I may never be what I envision for myself.
My expectations are choking my realizations.
I'm in the valley of an unexpected dynamic shift - pleading for relevance.

My perspective is chaotic.
Where have I gone wrong?
I question structure for my ignorance of it's benefits.

If this mattered to someone half of what it matters to me I could never know.
I wish, hope there are enough cares left in someones heart - saved for only me.
I have lived with various limitations and boundaries of which I'm now scared to choose.

Do you know that I am what you think I am, but I may not be what you expect?

There are choices I dream of making, but my body holds me back while my mind justifies every consequence of every possible action.
I'm lost amongst it all.
Sinking in the quicksand of my own thoughts.
Dying for company.
Hoping for help.
Longing for truth.
Filled with demonic anxiety.
Betting on angelic dreams.

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