The Unreal Reality - Of Walls.
I spend most of every day trying to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing, or that I'm living in "reality". I spend most of the time in my mind reaffirming that what I've said was the right thing to say. I spend more time than I should, pleading with my dark side. I've exercised the muscle of my bright side so much that I'm unable to see valid reasons for accepting dark side matters. It's hard to say that the dark side even matters to me anymore. I don't understand how to let it take control. The dark side of me has become weak. Even when I'm in dark side mode, I see the bright side take control. To me, at the time, the dark side is the bright side. Maybe in that is where my dark side lies. I've become an expert at convincing myself. Although, I can't quite say what I'm convincing myself of, or why I've convinced myself of it. I can say, with confidence, I'm convinced.
I'm happy with who I am. I'm happy with the way in which I see life. I just feel like I'm missing some important points. I feel like whatever I have used to convince myself, was missing something too.
I have these walls. I love these walls. They are as pristine as I will allow. I have properly taken care of them by my own standards. But, they aren't finished. There are holes everywhere. My perspective is blinded when I arrive at the holes for the sunlight shines through and obstructs my vision.
I've been adding bricks my entire life to these walls. I've had help in some places, and in other places, I've done it myself. But, I'm at a stand still. I'm sitting - staring calmly, observing my walls. How do I want them to be? Who do I want to help me? Do I want anyone to help me? How do I ask those people to help me? How will I continue building? With what material should I continue to build?
I see other people's walls all around. Everyone's are different. Some are small, some are tall, some are elaborate, some are simple, some are as close to perfect as they can be before death (which leads me to believe they may die soon - we will all die soon). Some of these people's walls are crumbling right before their very eyes, and my eyes too. I see all of this. I see how they can fix it. The poor lady is begging me to help save her wall, she's begging everyone she comes into contact with. Nobody stops to help. Why? She has created her own demise. If a ship was sinking at it's own fault, and there was nothing you could do about it...what would you do? So, I try to give her some piece of mind and walk off with pieces I can add to mine...my wall of course, being my mind.
I have all of this material, different shapes, sizes, and colors of bricks. I have ceramic pieces, and many other beautiful pieces as well. I just can't quite figure out where or how they fit. I fumble through my pieces often, placing them where I think they may fit. I step back and take a look to understand if their placement is right for me. It's like a puzzle, but some of the pieces are able to fit in many different places. It's all about my construction of them and figuring out the right place for me, and my wall. Sometimes, I find that I love the placement, sometimes I find that I hate it. Sometimes, I don't realize that the placement was improper until months or years down the road. Good thing for me, it's my own wall and I can place and replace as I please.
I've been observing for a while now. I've put up many new bricks. Now - I'm just sitting. I'm analyzing. I'm trying to see the whole picture. I'm trying to understand how other's react to my wall, and if this is the reaction that I fancy. I'm ready and willing to change my walls if necessary, and just as ready and willing to keep them in place if that suits me too.
I have come to a conclusion. The people around me affect the placement and materials that I choose. There are certain people's walls that I adore, as to what they have allowed me to see. Likewise, there are certain people's walls that I abhor. I feel there is something to learn about my own walls from both aspects of the aforementioned walls. I'm just not sure how to incorporate all that I have learned...yet.
This is why I observe. This is why I analyze, brick by brick. Not only am I analyzing my own walls, but other's walls as well, at least what I am allowed to see of them. In a gentle subconscious way, I try pushing others to let me see more of their walls. Most of the walls I have found are generally the same. It's quite boring. So many people are so boring, I hate these walls. It's sad really, that they don't even see how boring their own walls are. Most of the time the people with boring walls try to convince each other their walls aren't boring at all. They're good at convincing each other their walls are awesome. But, I see their walls for what they truly are. Lame. The more awesome a person thinks their walls are, the more dull they usually are. They don't even see this, and truly I don't think they care to. They're happy with their boring dull walls and they're awesome perception of them. I've also found that the people with the most amazing walls, can't even understand how beautiful and elaborate their walls actually are. They think their walls are junk, trash, filth. When in my reality, those are the greatest walls that can be built. They have the most character. There is so much complexity. Those are the walls I want to surround myself with.
But, don't pay any attention to my reality...it probably isn't real in the first place.
I'm happy with who I am. I'm happy with the way in which I see life. I just feel like I'm missing some important points. I feel like whatever I have used to convince myself, was missing something too.
I have these walls. I love these walls. They are as pristine as I will allow. I have properly taken care of them by my own standards. But, they aren't finished. There are holes everywhere. My perspective is blinded when I arrive at the holes for the sunlight shines through and obstructs my vision.
I've been adding bricks my entire life to these walls. I've had help in some places, and in other places, I've done it myself. But, I'm at a stand still. I'm sitting - staring calmly, observing my walls. How do I want them to be? Who do I want to help me? Do I want anyone to help me? How do I ask those people to help me? How will I continue building? With what material should I continue to build?
I see other people's walls all around. Everyone's are different. Some are small, some are tall, some are elaborate, some are simple, some are as close to perfect as they can be before death (which leads me to believe they may die soon - we will all die soon). Some of these people's walls are crumbling right before their very eyes, and my eyes too. I see all of this. I see how they can fix it. The poor lady is begging me to help save her wall, she's begging everyone she comes into contact with. Nobody stops to help. Why? She has created her own demise. If a ship was sinking at it's own fault, and there was nothing you could do about it...what would you do? So, I try to give her some piece of mind and walk off with pieces I can add to mine...my wall of course, being my mind.
I have all of this material, different shapes, sizes, and colors of bricks. I have ceramic pieces, and many other beautiful pieces as well. I just can't quite figure out where or how they fit. I fumble through my pieces often, placing them where I think they may fit. I step back and take a look to understand if their placement is right for me. It's like a puzzle, but some of the pieces are able to fit in many different places. It's all about my construction of them and figuring out the right place for me, and my wall. Sometimes, I find that I love the placement, sometimes I find that I hate it. Sometimes, I don't realize that the placement was improper until months or years down the road. Good thing for me, it's my own wall and I can place and replace as I please.
I've been observing for a while now. I've put up many new bricks. Now - I'm just sitting. I'm analyzing. I'm trying to see the whole picture. I'm trying to understand how other's react to my wall, and if this is the reaction that I fancy. I'm ready and willing to change my walls if necessary, and just as ready and willing to keep them in place if that suits me too.
I have come to a conclusion. The people around me affect the placement and materials that I choose. There are certain people's walls that I adore, as to what they have allowed me to see. Likewise, there are certain people's walls that I abhor. I feel there is something to learn about my own walls from both aspects of the aforementioned walls. I'm just not sure how to incorporate all that I have learned...yet.
This is why I observe. This is why I analyze, brick by brick. Not only am I analyzing my own walls, but other's walls as well, at least what I am allowed to see of them. In a gentle subconscious way, I try pushing others to let me see more of their walls. Most of the walls I have found are generally the same. It's quite boring. So many people are so boring, I hate these walls. It's sad really, that they don't even see how boring their own walls are. Most of the time the people with boring walls try to convince each other their walls aren't boring at all. They're good at convincing each other their walls are awesome. But, I see their walls for what they truly are. Lame. The more awesome a person thinks their walls are, the more dull they usually are. They don't even see this, and truly I don't think they care to. They're happy with their boring dull walls and they're awesome perception of them. I've also found that the people with the most amazing walls, can't even understand how beautiful and elaborate their walls actually are. They think their walls are junk, trash, filth. When in my reality, those are the greatest walls that can be built. They have the most character. There is so much complexity. Those are the walls I want to surround myself with.
But, don't pay any attention to my reality...it probably isn't real in the first place.
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