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If I Died Today

I'd want you all to know that I was only as thin as I wanted to be once in my life and I wasted my hot bod on a guy that cheated on me, but I was always striving to be more happy and forgiving than I was the day before. And when I think about what really mattered in life, it's not that my fat rolled when I sat down, or that I hated my nipple placement or that sentences shouldn't begin with and, or that despite what the English language teaches, commas should be used where and when you please, and run on sentences are a beautiful way to express stream of consciousness thought. What really mattered is that I skipped work when I didn't want to go because it made me happy. What really mattered is that I went to school and learned exactly what I wanted when I wanted not by any societal standards. What mattered is that I was as healthy as I wanted to be when I wanted to be, not to sustain life, but to enjoy it. What mattered is that I wrote my heart. No matter how stupid I thought it sounded, I shared it with you and that made me so happy and free. It is what I leave behind. My heart and my head and all my stupid feelings because of all of the life experiences we shared. I leave it for you, and your children and their children and all the children's children of the world to know that they aren't alone. To know that all your stupid feelings are okay. To know that all of them pass and you have new experiences and it happens to everyone in the world, and we are all one. What mattered is that I smoked cigarettes as often as I wanted and I got really drunk and did stupid things, because I wanted. I was reckless with my heart and generous with my love, and I did a lot of drugs, and had I lived longer I would have kept doing them because they allowed me to see into a part of myself I never knew existed and it was thrilling. Getting to know myself was the best part of life, because when I knew myself I could be better for all of you. And you were the best part of life because you befriended me, helped me, loved me, embraced me, put up with me and allowed for the betterment of all mankind.

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I have never really understood will power. I understand boredom. I think it's a waste of time to think about how boring your imagination is. You're so dull, you can't entertain yourself, but I get it. I've had will power, and I like to think that once you've experienced something, it increases your knowledge of said something. But when I weigh out the benefits of telling yourself what you want, and then sticking to it, it falls short on the scale next to living in the moment. Making crazy, off the wall, out of the blue, stupid decisions is part of being human, it's part of the human experience. I can't understand why people don't want to make bad decisions. It was one of "those days." The kind of emotional girl roller coaster days you'd see in a rom com where the girl is taking turns comforting herself in greasy french fries and Tom Hanks' love stories with whatever her name is with the orgasms, except there were drugs, and it wa...
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