A Most Recent Essay Of My Mind

     My jaws were sore, dripping wet with the thought of shame and guilt that have been ingrained upon my psyche. The world has a knack for being complicated like that. The complication is in the fact that there are certain ways we must live dependent upon our generation. Just like every person sets boundaries for their life by way of choices made and likewise considered, most of these individual limits are based on those influenced by society.

     When I speak of society, I speak of every person we closely surround ourselves with and allow our actions and thoughts to be influenced by. The people we see directly or indirectly, the words they speak, with or without genuine meaning, and the actions they make known properly to you or by way of other's words. Society is based upon our view of the world.

     Words are adopted meanings agreed upon by experts. However, no matter how experienced these experts are, they cannot control an individuals unique perception and feeling when a word is presented to them. We subscribe our own meanings to words which most of the time cannot be conveyed to others. While it's true that most individual's own meanings are based upon those agreed to previously by experts such as Merriam and Webster, the experience of the word or words plural can be labeled nothing other than unique.

     I also must speak of those who choose to abandon their individual existence and base life upon what is set for them. Those who take the societal set of rules and adopt them for their own. A child of society comforted by their surroundings affirming their feelings. For if a television show tells me it is acceptable to behave in a way that is far more morally "wrong" than I have acted, why surely I am a good person, after all my society has and continues to agree with me.

     All of us have sets of boundaries, and where or how we set them is dependent upon our consciously or unconsciously chosen societies. It is my firm belief that most societies are chosen unconsciously. We succumb and obey the "fact" that we cannot choose what we are influenced by. Why we do this is most likely an individual answer as individual as the lives experiencing the question. Why is not a question I shall concern myself with in any case but my own, as it takes a lifetime to even begin to understand.

     Upon beginning to examine the life I have been blessed with, I confront many questions. I enjoy pondering them consciously and unconsciously. It is inconvenient and silly to me at some of the things others find pleasure in. As I'm sure others judge me in the same manner when I tell them of things I find pleasure in. That is why sometimes I pretend I find pleasure in the things they do as well.

     This is one thing I must make note of while I have mentioned it. I have found, in myself, that it is almost second nature for me to act in the presence of others as if I am enjoying similar actions and choices we are partaking in together. Most of the time I'm not pristinely sure if I am enjoying myself or not. Which leads me to believe I'm not enjoying myself, for if I was, I do not think I would have to ponder it at all. I must be such a great actress that I have fooled myself into thinking I am happy among these most common shared circumstances. So then it must lead me to believe that true happiness must be pondered not, but a genuine feeling unnecessary to be pondered.

     Speaking upon happiness, shouldn't our lives turn out good, well, and proper if we follow this happiness? This seems logical to me. However, I feel I have been told or somehow unconsciously programmed by a former society that what creates a good, well, and proper life is structure and stability. This structure and stability comes most easily by way of money, above all creating a comfort and conformity we have grown accustomed to as commonplace. After all we are safe this way, are we not? As safe as we believe is attainable, I suppose.

     However, does safety equal happiness? This takes me back to my previous philosophy on words and meanings of them applied by individuals along with expert opinions. To certain individuals it must be that their societies have bestowed upon them that safe does in fact equal happy. So, this is their belief. My own opinion, however, has convinced me otherwise. Safety more than equalling happiness equals comfort. And surely comfort can convince some it is happiness. Comfort makes a beautiful disguise.

     I have revealed comfort's true nature. I have unmasked this liar, at least when it comes to comfort by way of money, structure, and stability. That is structure and stability by way of money that leads to comfort. This is the comfort I have met and uncovered. I wish to learn a new comfort. This comfort I believe can come by way of true and pure happiness. Happiness, I believe, comes by way of the heart, or maybe more properly described as the soul. Truly acting upon what our soul guides us to act upon leads to happiness. 

     Are our souls molded by our societies as our minds? I believe not. It is more likely that our souls are molded by something other than we can pinpoint. This is something humans have tried to identify by religion science and other means I'm sure. However, I'm not sure what this something commonly labeled as God is. I can't even begin to try and identify it. I have tried. What I have come to learn is to accept it, for I believe it is beyond our comprehension as human beings.

     So exactly how is it that we can understand our souls if we cannot understand that which governs them? Must we then follow blindly our souls?

     This paper, pen, and my thoughts have led me to a place I hadn't expected to go, nevertheless, I am here. I suppose my soul has guided me here. To the question of life. The question we have all pondered and some continue to ponder. Some neglect the question and some, however temporarily, have abandoned it. It is a struggle, the ponderance of this question. I assume it is the primal struggle of life and consciousness. Among the many questions we ask ourselves and others, this is the question it all stems from.

     The progress of our life depends on how we deal with this question. Our reaction to it is revealed in our actions of every day life, whether subtly or clearly. But there is  not one right answer, other than the answer we choose to believe. So the word then, God, is to us, what our societies say it is okay to be (just like every other word). We develop a definition for this and guide our lives by it and how we justify it.

     Currently, I should be on my way to work This plan of work is laid down before me because I "need" money. Really I believe my job situation is for the benefit of my two bosses which are a married couple. I'm not exactly sure why they keep me around. I can only surely say that it must be more deeply a selfish matter. I continue to feel that I am being taken advantage of. It has been said to me that they care from their own mouths. So they try to help me with their boundaries in place. Although their ability to help me abounds endlessly as they are monetarily wealthy, their boundaries defined by a business like mindset keep them from helping me to my liking. To them I must work and develop skills that are helpful to others so I am hirable. If I am not wiling to comply to these standards, well then, they can just not help me. After all, the kind of help I beg for is beyond their boundaries, and heaven forbid they take a step from their boxes. And me? I am currently stepping out of my box by abandoning this work day.

     A step from the box is a step towards the freedom of my soul. 

     Whatever these words mean to you, if you have even made it through, I hope that they strike a chord. I hope this chord is parallel with chords previously struck in your life so that the music of your life has been enhanced.

Adieu.